An open letter to the Co-op. Custodians of the English language.

As an almost daily visitor to your stores, and indeed a member of the Cooperative, I'd like to bring to your attention a matter that has concerned me over the last few days. Many's the time I have perambulated down your amply stocked aisles, exclaiming in wonder at yet another 'buy one, get one free' offer on a particular favorite confectionery of mine, or marveling at the astonishingly cold temperature to which you can refrigerate you apples. During the brief moments of indecision that inevitably hamper my soup selection I am often gratified to find that the audible frequencies that would otherwise meander aimlessly though the empty airspace around your neatly ordered foodstuffs are filled with the subtle, inoffensive entertainment that is Co-op Radio.

Occasionally as my hand is wavering between the oxtail and the scotch broth my concentration is momentarily diverted by one commercial or another, graciously informing me of an offer or promotion currently available on one or your product lines. Usually this does not cause any offence, indeed i may even raise my eyebrows and, after making a hasty plump for the oxtail, go forth and seek out this particular sundry in order to make the most of the promotion and to allow my daily allotted funds to stretch a little further.

However, on recent occasions a furrow has crossed my brow, as a particular item broadcast on your community-information service has caused me a certain amount of consternation. I was well aware that your many and varied services included the provision of fresh food and other daily consumables, financial services, medicines and other pharmaceuticals, jet-set holidays and, heaven forbid, should I have the misfortune to keel over and die, another branch of your organisation could convey me to the ground with minimum fuss and utmost efficiency.

I was not, however, aware that you had also taken upon yourselves the great responsibility of being custodians of the English language. Indeed, it is a bold and tumultuous step to move from merely utilising and preserving our mother tongue to actually taking an active part in the evolution of our lexicon. So it is with awe and not a little fear that I observe your courageous adaptations to the very cloth from which our language is so finely tailored. Not a timid change of meaning, or a subtle shift of inflection have we here, but the audacious invention of entirely new words.

Let me elaborate. A recent advertisement broadcast on your radio service has caught my attention, extolling the virtues of a popular brand of instant coffee. This undoubtedly fine tasting beverage is, apparently, on sale in your stores at a 'celebrational' price. Well let me say I very nearly sent an a array of tins spinning towards the ground in shock. We're entirely used to our American cousins bastardising our language - merrily appending words with superfluous and entirely unnecessary syllables in order, possibly, to convey some illusion of grandeur to the lesser mortals who might have the misfortune to be listening. But we, on the other hand are British. We have the a great literary heritage spanning many hundreds of years. We have educated, informed and reserved media publications, we have a Police force who will politely ask you to stop before they resort to the use of firearms for such innocuous offences as littering or speeding. We proudly play host to such bastions of correctness as Radio 4.

We know that the correct word to use in this context is 'celebratory'.

A word that has functioned well for many years without the need to be embellished or adultorated at the whim of the speaker. Please, Co-op Radio, don't try and turn American or I may have to purchase my soup elsewhere.