Murder most fowl

It is a matter of public record that Claudius killed the King of Denmark. Lesser known is the fact that the king’s son, Hamlet, was murdered by the actor Michael Maloney. I bore witness to this crime as I sat in the front row at West Yorkshire Playhouse, several years ago, wondering if the stage daggers would shuffle me off this mortal coil. Maloney could barely have offended the audience more (save the clown who stood up clapping at the end while the rest of us wondered whether we should clap our hands or slap the midget on the stage across his chops) had he been rubbing an emery board across his finger nails as he began Hamlet’s soliloquy, pausing in his recital to blow the dust from his murdering talons and glance up at the saps who had parted with hard earned cash to watch such a pitiful performance. Mel Gibson might be a hard drinking religious loon but he at least made an effort when he took on the part.

 

This incident was brought to mind by another murder I was unfortunate enough to witness only last week. The scene of the crime was my own home. The victim was Samuel Beckett’s ‘End Game’. Now bad actors are ten a penny. I’ve had the pleasure to make radio commercials with actors of both fame and anonymity over the years; neither guarantees a good performance. In fact the only common trait of the performances that stick in my mind are the dour nature of the people who performed them. No matter. It was worth being subjected to a scowl to hear my work brought to life with such flair. I digress. The perpetrators of the massacre of ‘End Game’ were none other than Michael Gambon and David Thewliss, two thesps who would surely feature in any programme of ‘Britain’s 100 Best Actors’ that ITV cared to make. A trial date has yet to be set. I’m too busy at the moment to capture the segments of video that will show you what I’m talking about. The director, Connor McPherson, was just a pup when he decided to aid and abet the prime suspects. Being under the age of critical responsibility prevents him standing trial. Court is adjourned.