Fork in hell

The common or garden fork is an often-seen creature at this time of year.

He spends most of his time nestled amongst the other members of his brood in a little compartment in the cutlery drawer, but a couple of times a day the humble fork leaves the confines of his nest and goes out to feed.

This is when sightings are most common. The fork loves to frolic with his close cousin, the knife. The knife is an altogether different beast, although she sleeps with her family in a compartment just a couple of inches from the forks.

Together they feed, plunging together into steaks and vegetables and sausages, rubbing against each other in a merry dance, celebrating the pleasure of food, and being cutlery.

There are some foods, however, the knife and fork do not like so much. Nachos are always difficult, and so is soup. For these, the plate must be cleared by the Great Speckled Spoon, who sometimes returns after the main feeding has done and helps with pudding.

However, though the fork and knife are indeed similar, they differ in a few important details. One of these is that only the fork is allowed to venture into the mystical land of The Mouth. This is sacred ground on which the knife must never tread. She must hold back, lying discarded in the gravy while the fork, his tines plunged deep into a juicy piece of pie, heads onwards and upwards for the land of The Mouth.

Despite this, the fork is unhappy. He mourns because he must spend his life upside down. He is sentenced to this punishment by the evil Table Manners - the same mysterious powers that decree that the humble knife should never venture to The Mouth.

You see, the fork evolved over millions of years into a special shape which makes him ideal for scooping up food. His tines curve gracefully upwards from base to tip, creating a perfect recess for holding porridge, or beans or rice.

How he would long to carry food to the land of The Mouth nestled in his scoop-like shape, but the evil Table Manners have decreed otherwise. Throughout his long life, since his birth in Sheffield (all forks are born in Sheffield), the Table Manners have forced him to carry tiny, insignificant portions of food balanced upon his back. Over and over he journeys to The Mouth, dreaming of the day the evil Table Manners will be overthrown.

You can help poor little forks the world over. Would you use a spade upside-down? Then why do something equally silly with a fork?

Help us liberate forks the world over - turn them back the right way up and scoop away to your heart's content.